Saying Goodbye

On November 6 my dear Dad past away from a heart attack. Our lives literally stopped as our hearts broke wide open. I still am unable to fully comprehend what has happened. I ache. I simply can not believe that he is gone. Our lives are left with an emptiness and a sadness I could never have imagined.  

I spoke at his service this past Thursday. Speaking of him, his laugh, his smile, his goofiness, his silly side, his hot temper, his love. He was extraordinary. It was overwhelming and beautiful to see hundreds of people come and pay their respects and share their stories. To see all the lives that my Dad's life touched was truly amazing. To hear other people speak of him so highly was amazing. 

I am so sad and I miss him so much. I find I go numb when I think of the days to come, a future without him, it is just too much to think about. I have had good days, today is not one of them. My nights are long and full of tears. It is really tough to "get back to normal" when life won't ever be the same. To keep on keeping on as I face the grief. My heart aches for my Mom, for my brother, for our children. 

Because I am intelligent and wise I know that this grief will ease and that the stretches between sadness and feeling lost will grow wider. But because I am hurting I don't believe it. I can't see it. 

"There is a crack in everything. That is how the light gets in."

-Leonard Cohen