What's stopping you?

I have this new friend that was born out of a love of donuts. She runs a very successful local business. She has asked me to bring my dream and business into hers. I am totally on board. In fact I am beyond flattered/humbled/grateful. We spoke on the phone Monday evening about business, ideas and expanding. She asked me a question that stopped my breath.

What is stopping you?

I immediately felt flustered and embarrassed. 

Her: What is stopping you? 

Me: Nothing. 

Me: Nothing but me & my own inner critic.

Her: Don't listen. Tell it to go away.

Me: uh.................

We then began a beautiful conversation about our inner critic, our insecurities and how to choose to listen or not to listen. How to accept who we are and where we've been and move forward. By conversation I actually mean she spoke and I listened. I felt at times like she must have a secret door into my brain and thoughts. How does she get this/me? The answer was because she has been there. I was not alone in my thinking and self defeating inner dialogue. She said so many things that hit home for me, that spoke to my heart. I wished I could have reached into the phone and smothered her with the hug I felt building in my chest. 

I hung up the phone, walked into the kitchen, looked at Cory and said "Who is this women who has come into my life and left me speechless." Then I started crying. Not a sad cry, a cry of pure gratitude. 

Why, as women who have the world at our finger tips, do we talk ourselves out of our ideas/gifts/talents?

Why does that monster ego creep up and tell us that we don't deserve something? Be it money, success, happiness, etc? Why do we feel guilty for wanting more? More for ourselves? 

Are we conditioned to take a back seat? To sit on the sidelines and watch others live their dreams? 

I am not sure I know the answers to those questions but I do know that I think it's bullshit. I don't want that for me and certainly not for my daughter. If I squash my dreams because I listen to the voices in my head then I am teaching her and those around me that it is OK. 

It's not easy to be brave. It's not easy to silent the voices. It's not easy to step outside of our comfort zone. It's not easy to put ourselves and our talents out into the world. It's not easy to be vulnerable. 

However, we owe it to ourselves and to the world to be great. 

To be daring and say: I can do this. I am enough. I am doing things that matter. 

100% Rad Weekend

This past Saturday I participated in the Edmonton Color Me RAD 5K and it was such a blast! I ran with my friends Lisa & Russell and Cory & Anna came with me to cheered us on. Anna made a sign that said My Mom Is Rad- it was the best!  The running part had it's moments but I felt pretty proud that I actually ran the majority. The color bombing tents were awesome, who would have thought that getting colored cornstarch thrown at you would be so rad! I picked up Anna just before the finish line, took her through a color bombing and then piggy backed her across the finish! Awesome! 

The energy down at the Expo Centre was amazing and the number of people participating was crazy- it had to be thousands! I am excited to sign up for next year and Cory & Anna will be running along side me in the next one. The diversity and abilities of  the participants was extra rad! Kids, strollers, wheelchairs, canes, full costumes, unicorn heads, athletic, not athletic, skinny, big, old, young- seriously I could go on! What a great event to bring everyone together for an amazing morning. I seriously had the best time!

My Take on Whole 30

Whole 30... let's discuss.
Link to read my original Whole 30 post.

Did we go the entire 30 days? 
No. We did not cheat, we did not have a "slip". Half way through the 22nd day I called him at work and said I was no longer interested in this, that I was finding myself angry and resentful. I encouraged him to keep going but he chose to stop as well. We chose to end it.

Why did I stop when I was so close to finishing and had put in 3 weeks already? 
I realised half way through week 3 that I wasn't eating. Just the thought of making myself something compliant took too much energy. I no longer wanted eggs, a chicken breast for "meal one" (breakfast) made my stomach turn and eating nothing but nuts and bananas is not healthy. Honestly I was just sick and tired of thinking about food and what my next meal was going to be. I was done.

Does Whole 30 work (in my opinion)?
Yes. We saw results right away. Increased energy. Thinning out/bloat leaving. Skin clearing up. Cravings getting weaker & weaker- some gone still (sugar). Sleeping better. Sleeping through the night.

Were there side effects?
Yes, but not many. I noticed immediately my craving for sugar! Wow, was it intense a few days. There were certain days that all I could think about was sugar and eating! I felt like I was going crazy, I was irritable, couldn't focus, couldn't make up my mind, and did not accomplish anything on those days.
The increase in energy did not last. Half way through the second week I was sluggish and had a hard time waking up.

Was Whole 30 hard/difficult?
It wasn't hard, it was however, incredible time consuming and expensive! We both felt like all we were doing was preparing food. We found there was no place to eat out if you were on the run so you had to have something with you all the time! There is also no "quick" food like sandwich meat available in Edmonton that was compliant. I searched and searched. There are options in the USA but not here. Sad. We spent 2-3x the amount on groceries. That is a lot of money, too much money to keep up with on our budget. We are saving for trips this summer plus a trip to Disneyland and buying these groceries really dug into that. Eating healthy and buying "the best choices" is expensive. It is out of reach for many families and that is really shitty and completely backwards! I think it is incredibly unfortunate that that is the world/economy we live in. One where processed crap is easier to access. I could go on and on about this issue but that is a whole other post.
Below are just some of the examples of items I bought for Whole 30 and the item I would usually buy and the price difference.
On Whole 30                                                    Usual Buy
Cashew Butter $10.99/ 500g                                Peanut Butter $7.49/2kg
Extra Lean Ground Beef $6.50/package                 Lentils $2.79/900g
Steak $26-$30 for 5-6 steaks                                Didn't buy steak
Cashews $2.50/100g                                            Almonds $10.99/1.36kg
**Almonds were compliant but not the first choice, I bought almonds, walnuts, pecans & hazelnuts for a total of $69!
Coconut Milk $2.50/can                                       Milk/cream $2.50/$2.89 for 1 litre
Sweet Potatoes $1.29-$1.79 per pound                  Potatoes $5.99 for a 10lb bag
(sorry that this is all wonky, I couldn't get the formatting correct)

How are we eating now?
We have added in a few things in very small amounts. I am drinking my coffee with cream and no sugar. The no added sweetener is a huge win for me. I also kicked my soy creamer habit which was so loaded with things I couldn't pronounce. I was obviously ignoring that label.
I had bread and cake for my dad's birthday but other than that have had little to no gluten or other grains.
I don't feel the urge to eat something sweet after my meals like I did before. When I want something sweet I turn to fruit instead of chocolate. WIN!
I am not stressing about our food and that has made a huge difference in my overall feelings and healthy choices.

Would I do it again?
My answer right now is no. I have energy and am waking up early instead of having Anna force me out. She needs breakfast after all. I have the energy to go running and that makes me happy. Not being able to do those two things really bothered me during my 3 weeks. On the other side of it though- I fit into my cloths better. I feel more confident and my negative body talk has improved dramatically. That right there is worth every second and penny.

Would I recommend it to others?
Yes, but I don't think it's for everyone. I was fortunate to have Cory doing it along side me. I don't think we would have made it that far without each other's support & encouragement. Read the book- It Starts With Food. Read any book you can that deals with what you're putting into your body. READ YOUR LABELS! Make more informed choices. Buy local when you can. Ask questions. Choose to cut out one thing at a time.

Whole 30 - It works!

Photo 1: Day 1

Photo 2: end of week 3, 21 days on the program

Starting A Whole 30

This is my current read. I have been interested in learning about our bodies and the foods we eat for quite a few years now. It is astonishing to learn about all the crap out there and the things companies are allowed to do to our food. Eating healthy, good food is expensive and that is so very wrong!! Eating crap, processed, high fat, high sugar food is cheap and around every corner! So very unfortunate and sad and crap! I have read all sorts from the various Clean Eating books to Vegan books and now this. This book is the story behind "Food Should Make Us Healthy" and the author's program Whole 30. Whole 30 is"designed to be a nutritional reset to help people get their metabolisms back on track, banish their sugar demons back into the darkness, and figure out once and for all the way the food hey are eating is actually affecting them."  

 I have been reading about Whole 30 for awhile now on various blogs and Instagram accounts. It took me so long to go get the book because the program is intense! And I didn't want to commit to something that was going to be hard. Obviously that should have been a sign that I knew I needed something but didn't want to give up all the things in my diet that they were telling me to quit. 

A little background: 

Cory and I have both been trying for some time to loose weight, improve our diets and feel better overall. To banish unexplained aches & pains, headaches and for me- problem skin. I have struggled since having Anna with weight. Up & down. Low (or no) energy. Terrible sleep. Anxiety. Mild depression. Problem skin. Random rashes. Headaches. After finding a new doctor and discussing what I was experiencing she recommend a couple things to me and made me realise that these things were not in my head. That I could do something about them but I had to commit.  She validated me and let me know I was not alone. She gave me a prescription for an anti depressant that treats anxiety. I was reluctant at first because I was ashamed and angry that my body wasn't working the way it should. However, trying to deal with it on my own (for 3 years!) wasn't working and I knew I needed to do something. I get a little emotional when I think about it because it changed my life and in turn it changed my family's life. It has been just over 5 months (it is not something I will have to take forever) and now I can focus my energy on everything else- starting with my diet.  I am sharing all this because I realise that I am not alone. That by being brave and sharing my story I can help someone else and that I have nothing to be ashamed of.

Back to Whole 30:

Cory and I began this program a week ago and we have already seen benefits. We've also had a couple meltdowns. The program as mentioned before is Intense! The basics: NO to added sugar (including natural sugars like honey & maple syrup), alcohol, grains of any kind, legumes, dairy. YES to real, natural food like fruit, vegetables & meat. 

A little more background: I incorporated poultry back into my diet about a year ago. I have not considered myself a vegetarian since. I do not eat pork but for this program am willing to try eating beef and fish although I am not sure how that will go. I still believe in and care deeply for added hormones, animal welfare, their living conditions and the method in which they are slaughtered. That will never change. When possible and available the best meat to choose is organic, hormone free, grass fed and range free. I also know that these choices are very expensive and not possible for everyone all the time, including myself.

Cory & I are very committed to completing this and having each other for support and encouragement is so important. The cravings for sugar have been pretty crazy. Seeing first hand how not having them is affecting me shows me that I am making the right decision to complete the Whole 30. I miss peanut butter but there are a couple nut butters that I have found that I actually like. My morning coffee is now made with coconut milk and that was quite an adjustment but I am now enjoying it. I believe meal plans and variety are going to be key in completing this. It has already made me experiment with recipes and make meals that we loved and would eat even if we weren't doing this.

On day two (yes that soon) I woke up without an alarm, was bright eyed and full of energy! I literally bounced out of bed and got my day started. I actually caught myself off guard. Day four was really hard- I felt a little sketchy, like my brain wasn't working quite right. Another sign that I needed to keep going. I have more energy, am sleeping better and have noticed a difference in my skin already. It is brighter... happier. The cravings are getting less and less and it may seem silly after only one week but I am actually noticing a difference in how I see some of my favourite junk food- potato chips. I was surrounded by them on the weekend and was okay. I didn't need them. This thing with the program- there are no cheats, no slips. If you do, you start over on day one! No thank you. I am really proud of Cory & myself. 

Weight wise, you weigh day one and then you're encouraged not to weigh again until the end... I am curious like a cat and weighed on day 4, I was down 3lbs. That is water loss but still it is encouraging. We also took before photos (yikes), sometimes you think you're doing okay because you don't want to admit that you could be doing better. I was actually surprised that I looked the way I did (I wore bikini bottoms & a sport bra). A picture is worth a thousand words and these pictures were saying "it's time to make a change". I have noticed a difference already in bloating, swelling, and overall appearance. 

Maybe Whole 30 isn't your cup of tea but I recommend this book to anyone who is interested in what you're eating, healthy choices and feeling your best. 

That was a long post so if you made it here, thanks for reading. I'll keep you posted on my progress. 

Brave Actions

Sometimes being brave means standing up for yourself or facing a difficult situation or signing up for something you've been to scared to do. Sometimes it means standing in line to get on a roller coaster that didn't look so bad from far away. Then that roller coaster stops two rides before yours at the safety check because two people weren't buckled in... there's a loop... you go upside down. It means staying in that line even though all your inside voices are telling you to get the hell out. I stayed, I rode it twice (they send every ride twice, I would have been fine getting off after the first go). I screamed bloody murder the whole ride- twice. I hurt my throat but I was glad I stayed. I am not sure if I had fun or not but the other two I was with had fun laughing at me and maybe that's why I was there.

Roller Coaster at Calaway Park outside of Calgary.

Sometimes being brave means walking out onto a glass floor 160m up and watching the teeny tiny cars below. It means holding your breath when you take that first step. It means asking the youngsters beside you to "please stop dancing on the glass floor", it means to breath slowly as you tell your brain that you will not plummet to your death. The brain is a marvellous thing and it certainly played a few mind games with me while I was out on the floor. Anna was so brave, she came out, freaked out and asked "What if it breaks?" and then left. She came back and stood with me and then all on her own. She was so proud and we cheered he on. Cory on the other hand stayed off, he couldn't take a step, looking down alone made him queasy but we love him anyways.

Glass floor at the Calgary Tower. 

ps. I read the brochure after we came down, it read "less than an inch of glass between you and the bustling city street below", LESS THAN AN INCH! thank goodness I read it after.

Hello March- you certainly came in like a lion! A frozen lion!

In March I intend to...

Keep going to bed before midnight and getting up before 6, this time is valuable.

Keep creating. A goal of one layout & one card per week.

Keep up with whole eating/clean eating/calorie reduction that I began two weeks ago.

Go to the gym 2 days / week.

Go on a date night with Cory!
(Why is getting time together bumped to the bottom of our days!)

Keep up with Project Life.

Send out 2 pieces of happy mail.

Get the oil changed in my car!!

Be Awesome.

Hello February

This month my goals & intentions are simple.

- Go to bed before midnight

- Get up at 6am for quiet time to start the day

- visit my family

- send out valentines

- be brave

- make cupcakes

- create

- create

- create

How about you? I think you should make cupcakes too.

Happy Monday Friends!

xoxo

Brave

(layout created to celebrate my one little word using the January month kit from Treasured Memories)

January brought a lot of fear. A lot of anxiety. When I chose the word Brave to lead me through 2014, my dad in the hospital was not what I had in mind. In fact I didn't feel very brave at all. I then remembered a quote from Brene Brown- "You can't get to courage without walking through vulnerability." Never before have I felt vulnerability like I did in those few weeks. Still it creeps in and I talk myself through those feelings. My dad is at home and recovering very well. I would like to thank all my friends and readers who sent their prayers and their well wishes to me and to my family. Who still pop by through email and texts to check in. They helped/help greatly, like arms reaching around and offering hugs. You're all so very special to me.

While January was hard, it also brought a lot of really great things and it is important to talk about those here too. To focus on the wonderful & light and not the dark. Anna started dance and it makes my heart swoon every time I see her get excited about it. She also started gymnastics and we practice somersaults on the couch all the time. I got to see Pink perform live. I spent 2 weeks with my mom. My dad is well and at home. I spoke to my grandma's often. I became an auntie again to baby Morgan. I had my brother & his family over for dinner. I have been trying to catch sunsets. And I said I Love You A LOT.

I am grateful for lessons learned and for the love that has surrounded us this past month but I am ready to see what beautiful things February has to offer. As some of you may know... I love love.

xoxo

Sometimes Life is Hard

On January 6 my Dad had a massive heart attack and was rushed to Edmonton. On January 7 at 7am I answered the most terrifying phone call of my life.  On January 14 my Dad underwent a successful triple bypass surgery. Yesterday he went home.

For the past two weeks our lives have been upside down and shaken to the core. These last two weeks have been full of emotion- from terrified, to joyful, to frustrated, to scared, to angry, to "my face is going to crack from smiling" because I am so happy. I feel shaken. I feel out of sorts.

My Dad is only 59, he is not overweight, he eats right, doesn't smoke, doesn't drink yet here he was laying in the hospital. I could not believe it. This was not suppose to be happening. The doctors said that if he hadn't had all those factors in his corner that he probably wouldn't be here. The thought makes my stomach turn.

I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. I tried my best to not be emotional in front of him but the downside to that is by the time I got home at the end of the day I was a complete mess.

I just had no idea. Nothing could have prepared me for this.

I know I love him but until I was faced with losing him I had no idea how much and how deep that love runs for him & my mom. How grateful I am for him (them). When I hugged him the morning of his surgery I physically couldn't let go. I tried to back away but my body was frozen. I will never forget the feeling.

Waiting is the hardest part. Wondering. Waiting. Worrying. The surgeon came into the room we were waiting in, he shook our hands and told us the news, the surgery went good and they were closing, we could see him soon. I let out a breath that felt like I had taken a thousand pound weight off my chest. Trembling, I shook his hand and thanked him through tears. He squeezed my arm and nodded. I will never forget that moment. That moment of pure joy, relief and exhaustion.

I soon realized that recovery can be equally as terrifying as the actual surgery. All the tubes. All the beeping.  All the unknown.

Thankfully my Dad's recovery in the hospital only had a few hiccups & a few things to sort themselves out. I know that there is a very long road ahead but he his here. He is with us. He is healing. He is strong. He is determined. His heart has new piping. He is as funny as ever. He is amazing.

I am so full of love and hope, I am overwhelmed with gratitude. To his surgeon, Dr. Wong and his team- thank you- those words are not big enough to express my gratitude. To his nurses, especially the ones at the Miseracordia, the Mazankowski ICU and the ones who sorted out the issues in Ward 4- thank you, thank you, thank you. You're all kinds of wonderful!

Having our lives turned upside down has changed me. Has made me look at our lives and think about how easy it is to have it all ripped away in the blink of an eye. For me I will move forward, praying for a smooth ride for my Dad, for the health and well being of myself & my loved ones and for a new appreciation of life & love.

One Little Word 2014

My one little word for 2014 is Brave. 

Tattoo from Kal Barteski, you can find her amazing work here.

I am participating in a year long workshop lead by Ali Edwards called one little word. The basics- choose a word to focus and reflect on as you go about your days. Let the word guide you and inspire you. In this workshop she will be giving a monthly prompt to make your word more visible throughout the year. Even if this workshop doesn't interest you, choosing a word can become a mantra of sorts. Something to guide you through, something to give you that little nudge you might need, something to remind you what you want. For example, Cory has chosen "follow through" to guide him in 2014. When the voices creep in and the desire to do something fades he can remind himself to follow through. Me, I will be reminding myself to be Brave. To "embrace the discomfort over resentment"- Brene Brown

Do you have a word for 2014?