I've Moved.

I have been writing on this site since January 1, 2008, consistently at times and then not so much at other times. I have published 1112 posts and my first comment was from my friend Veronica. I have written about so many topics- love and loss, scrapbooking and teaching, family and adventures, I have cooked and shared recipes and I've wrote about nothing. 

In the beginning I had no idea what I was doing, I just started a blog so I could share stories and my work. I've come a long way and my work has come a long way. I am teach way more, I am constantly creating kits, bulk cards and finished products that sell at Treasured Memories & I have clients that I do work for.

I feel so proud of how far I have come and how much my little business has grown and because of that I needed a bigger platform and more options to expand. I officially became a dot com at the beginning of September and am moving my work away from here and over to it's new home at Nadine Karen Design.

I want to thank my readers for following me, checking in on me and encouraging me.  I hope that you'll follow me over to my new site where I'll be sharing consistently again and using my space to promote my work and my creations, it all can be found at  Nadine Karen Design

All the lovey feelings, 

♥ Nadine

Searching for Moments of Peace

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It is hard to believe how fast a month goes by. It is still sinking in that this really is happening, that my Dad is gone and not ever coming back. There are hard days, wow are there hard days. The good days and moments of pure happiness are becoming more visible to me and I am so grateful for that. There are moments that I just stop and loose my breath. I suspect this will go on for a long, long time.

Christmas is coming, coming fast. I am excited because of Anna but there are plenty of moments of anger, anger that our lives will never be the same. That we are missing a huge part of our energy and dynamic. Anger and sadness that there will forever be an emptiness in our holidays and lives. I know that this is all part of the "process" but I find I get angry at the anger. What a mess.

I look for him, I look for him everywhere. I find that certain things catch my attention and when they do I feel a peace. I smile and say Hi Dad. Sometimes I cry and sometimes I just keep on smiling. There is just an emptiness, one I can't quite describe. Finding these small moments is such a blessing & I pray for them everyday. They help deal with that emptiness and I'll take all the help I can get.

The Ebb & Flow

I went back to work on Friday. It was awful. I felt so overwhelmed. Like the walls were closing in on me. Customers didn't know about my Dad, I knew that that would be the case. I guess I just hoped everyone would know so that I wouldn't have to talk about it. Or that people wouldn't complain about things that just didn't matter to me. That I wouldn't have to pretend to be OK when all I wanted to to was scream. Everyone just went on with their life when mine came to a crashing halt. That is difficult to accept. That life will and must go on. Everyone is just "themselves" but not me,  I am a different person on a day to day basis. I am sad and indifferent about many things. I have a different outlook I am numb. But thankfully I am also still funny, I can find beautiful things to smile about, I can laugh. Then a wave of grief crashes into me and I am back to the hard stuff. I can see that there will be an ebb & flow to this but I am struggling. There are days when I am so exhausted by all of it I can barely form thoughts. Friday was one of those days and I wasn't sure what to expect at work. I got in my car at the end of the night and burst. All the emotion I bottled up at work came flooding out. I cried the whole way home. I yelled in my car. I got into bed and crashed. 

Then I hosted my Project Life crop on Saturday night and it was completely the opposite. I was ok, I had a good time. I kept busy to keep my thoughts at bay. I spoke to friends about my Dad and didn't break down. I got hugs and sweet wishes. I even made a new friend. I can say that I was sick to my stomach to go to that shift but once I got there and saw a room of familiar faces I slowly eased out of the sickness. I hope every shift won't be like that but I suspect it may. Much like my days that are "one step at a time" I think working will be the same. Facing people and "moving on" will be the same. The ebb & flow is hard. Feeling broken is hard. Not knowing what to expect next it hard. 

Today I am typing this out, drinking coffee in my jammies, and watching Anna play play doh. It is nice and feels "normal" in a place of unbalance and I am incredibly grateful for those moments.