Friday, 6 November 2015

One Year

Today marks the one year of my Dad's passing. Not a day has gone by where I haven't thought of him. I still ask myself to wake up. I still sit in disbelief that this has happened. 

It has a been a very long year and at the same time I can not believe that it is this day again. I have spent the last year riding a wave of calm and a wave of pain. I have had countless hours hearing the phone call over and over again in my head. I have heard over & over again every voice I spoke to while I searched for him in the emergency room and police station in Ft. Mac Murray. Knowing the truth despite no one telling me. I knew by the sound of their voices and by the way they called me sweet heart. I knew. I finally heard the words I prayed I wouldn't. And then I had to phone my Mom. 

I have dreaded every holiday, every birthday, every trip back home. I have wished I could move far away so I could hide from all the pain and broken hearts. I asked Cory multiple times if there was a way for him to get transferred. Running away seemed like a good idea. Still does some days. 

I encourage Anna to talk about him. She tries not to and I came to realize it was because of me. Because I cry. So I now make sure to talk about him with her and tell her about how she is like him or how funny he was or how much he loved her. I tell her to talk to him, that he can hear her. The more I talk the easier it gets and then more fun, funny and joyful things come to memory. She laughs and asks me to tell her my stories again and again. 

I am not sure what comes next, friends that have been down this road before tell me that the pain never goes away but that it doesn't always hurt so bad. I have had those days and they are a blessing. I count myself lucky that I love someone so much that I feel this type of pain. Not everyone can love like that. I don't think I will ever understand why it happened when it did. 60 is so young. He had so much more to do and so much more love to give. 

I miss my Dad terribly. I wish I could have just one more conversation where I drove him crazy with my thoughts on things.  Or watch him sing & dance in the kitchen just one more time. Or hear him loose his temper just one more time and then I could laugh at him and make fun of him one more time (mostly because I have that same hot temper). Or take one more poke in the rib cage from him. There are so many things. 

The only advice that I can offer is to take pictures, take a lot of them. Make a point to take video, I scour my computer looking for a video where I can hear him. You will never regret those 2 things. I also want you to tell your family that you love them. Tell them that you're proud of them. You may feel vulnerable and scared but I want you to do it despite that. I want you to know they might not say it back, and that will hurt but you will know that you did everything you could do to put your love out there and trust me, it feels good. 

Today I will do my best to hold my memories close and smile at his life and his love. 

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Bless you and bless the memory of your Dad. Grief is such a roller coaster journey. Thank you for your bravery in sharing such a personal post. I hope it helps in your healing process, as I am sure it will help those reading it struggling with their own grief. One day at a time, sometimes, all you can do is one moment at a time, but I guarantee you that although the loss will always be with you, you will get to a point where it is a burden you can handle. Blessings.