Wanted: day off

No layout today, sorry if you came looking for inspiration but I am all out.

Today is a confession of sorts. I realized about 5 minutes ago (it's 2pm) when I made myself my first cup of coffee that I really (really, really) need to start putting myself first... or at the very least a close second. Today I don't want to play. I don't want to sing. I don't want to wash the dishes. I don't want to ask pretend questions. I do not want to tackle the laundry. I don't want to be bossed around like I'm someone's puppet. I most definitely do not want to scoop the cat litter even though I know it NEEDS it. I don't want to do my work. Today I don't even want to blow anyone's nose. All I want to do is sit here. In the quiet. Alone. I would like to close my eyes and maybe have a nap. Or pour a glass of wine (because it's closer to wine time than it is coffee time) and read one of the five magazines that sit on the table eagerly awaiting my drooling eyes.
And you know what else- today I will not feel one ounce of guilt because that is what I want to do. Wanting these things and not wanting the others does not make me a bad Mom or wife. I don't love my daughter or family any less. Maybe just maybe I might love them more if I had a little Nadine time.

I wonder if I'm onto something? I most definitely am not the first to discuss this concept of alone time.

Today I need a day off...
but that chocolate cake for my Mr. Handsome's birthday won't bake itself.

Maybe I can have a day off on Thursday? No wait, that won't work either...

Until then, I will drink this cup of coffee and hope I can finish it before it gets cold.

ps. to all of you reading this that get this, that have felt this- here's a big, fat, giant, boob crushing hug

Sometimes Life is Hard

On January 6 my Dad had a massive heart attack and was rushed to Edmonton. On January 7 at 7am I answered the most terrifying phone call of my life.  On January 14 my Dad underwent a successful triple bypass surgery. Yesterday he went home.

For the past two weeks our lives have been upside down and shaken to the core. These last two weeks have been full of emotion- from terrified, to joyful, to frustrated, to scared, to angry, to "my face is going to crack from smiling" because I am so happy. I feel shaken. I feel out of sorts.

My Dad is only 59, he is not overweight, he eats right, doesn't smoke, doesn't drink yet here he was laying in the hospital. I could not believe it. This was not suppose to be happening. The doctors said that if he hadn't had all those factors in his corner that he probably wouldn't be here. The thought makes my stomach turn.

I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. I tried my best to not be emotional in front of him but the downside to that is by the time I got home at the end of the day I was a complete mess.

I just had no idea. Nothing could have prepared me for this.

I know I love him but until I was faced with losing him I had no idea how much and how deep that love runs for him & my mom. How grateful I am for him (them). When I hugged him the morning of his surgery I physically couldn't let go. I tried to back away but my body was frozen. I will never forget the feeling.

Waiting is the hardest part. Wondering. Waiting. Worrying. The surgeon came into the room we were waiting in, he shook our hands and told us the news, the surgery went good and they were closing, we could see him soon. I let out a breath that felt like I had taken a thousand pound weight off my chest. Trembling, I shook his hand and thanked him through tears. He squeezed my arm and nodded. I will never forget that moment. That moment of pure joy, relief and exhaustion.

I soon realized that recovery can be equally as terrifying as the actual surgery. All the tubes. All the beeping.  All the unknown.

Thankfully my Dad's recovery in the hospital only had a few hiccups & a few things to sort themselves out. I know that there is a very long road ahead but he his here. He is with us. He is healing. He is strong. He is determined. His heart has new piping. He is as funny as ever. He is amazing.

I am so full of love and hope, I am overwhelmed with gratitude. To his surgeon, Dr. Wong and his team- thank you- those words are not big enough to express my gratitude. To his nurses, especially the ones at the Miseracordia, the Mazankowski ICU and the ones who sorted out the issues in Ward 4- thank you, thank you, thank you. You're all kinds of wonderful!

Having our lives turned upside down has changed me. Has made me look at our lives and think about how easy it is to have it all ripped away in the blink of an eye. For me I will move forward, praying for a smooth ride for my Dad, for the health and well being of myself & my loved ones and for a new appreciation of life & love.

hey you

I'm having "one of those days months". Do you know the kind? The one where you're sad, upset about who knows what, you're hard on yourself, harder than usual, you avoid conversations because you're worried you may say something you don't mean, you're tired, tired of the daily grind, bored yet too busy- that kind. The kind where all you need is a break or a vacation from it all. That's me. I came across this, it felt right for today & it made me smile/tear up...

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