One Year

Today marks the one year of my Dad's passing. Not a day has gone by where I haven't thought of him. I still ask myself to wake up. I still sit in disbelief that this has happened. 

It has a been a very long year and at the same time I can not believe that it is this day again. I have spent the last year riding a wave of calm and a wave of pain. I have had countless hours hearing the phone call over and over again in my head. I have heard over & over again every voice I spoke to while I searched for him in the emergency room and police station in Ft. Mac Murray. Knowing the truth despite no one telling me. I knew by the sound of their voices and by the way they called me sweet heart. I knew. I finally heard the words I prayed I wouldn't. And then I had to phone my Mom. 

I have dreaded every holiday, every birthday, every trip back home. I have wished I could move far away so I could hide from all the pain and broken hearts. I asked Cory multiple times if there was a way for him to get transferred. Running away seemed like a good idea. Still does some days. 

I encourage Anna to talk about him. She tries not to and I came to realize it was because of me. Because I cry. So I now make sure to talk about him with her and tell her about how she is like him or how funny he was or how much he loved her. I tell her to talk to him, that he can hear her. The more I talk the easier it gets and then more fun, funny and joyful things come to memory. She laughs and asks me to tell her my stories again and again. 

I am not sure what comes next, friends that have been down this road before tell me that the pain never goes away but that it doesn't always hurt so bad. I have had those days and they are a blessing. I count myself lucky that I love someone so much that I feel this type of pain. Not everyone can love like that. I don't think I will ever understand why it happened when it did. 60 is so young. He had so much more to do and so much more love to give. 

I miss my Dad terribly. I wish I could have just one more conversation where I drove him crazy with my thoughts on things.  Or watch him sing & dance in the kitchen just one more time. Or hear him loose his temper just one more time and then I could laugh at him and make fun of him one more time (mostly because I have that same hot temper). Or take one more poke in the rib cage from him. There are so many things. 

The only advice that I can offer is to take pictures, take a lot of them. Make a point to take video, I scour my computer looking for a video where I can hear him. You will never regret those 2 things. I also want you to tell your family that you love them. Tell them that you're proud of them. You may feel vulnerable and scared but I want you to do it despite that. I want you to know they might not say it back, and that will hurt but you will know that you did everything you could do to put your love out there and trust me, it feels good. 

Today I will do my best to hold my memories close and smile at his life and his love. 

Saying Goodbye

Last Saturday my family gathered to say goodbye to my Grandpa. He past away on April 24 at the age of 92. He lived a long life that was full of trials I can't imagine but it was also full of so much happiness & so much love. He immigrated from Poland as a very young boy, he grew up & worked his finger to the bone. Giving and giving, helping to be a part of building our province. He worked hard until he could no longer give anymore. He married my Grandma almost 60 years ago, how amazing is that. 60 years. He raised 5 daughters, most likely the hardest work of his life. He had 10 grandchildren and 6 great grandchildren. 

Loosing him was hard, I cried and cried for loss. For death. For no more second chances. For no more "I should go before it's too late" trips. Death is final. I cried hard for my Dad, this all felt too soon, too much to deal with. I cried hard for my Mom, who too has no father now. 

As they opened the doors to carry my Grandpa to the hearse, it rained the prettiest rain. They stepped outside and the rain stopped. A good friend reminded me once that this rain is the angels sharing your grief. I smiled when I saw the rain. At the grave side service I was struck by a moment that was absolutely beautiful. The sky was black, all around us were black clouds that promised rain. There was a part in the center of those black clouds that allowed the sun to shine down onto us. As we stood there placing roses on his casket the warmth from the sun could be felt on our backs.  It shone like that until we all walked away, then the clouds closed and the rain came. I smiled again and said goodbye. 

Finding Comfort on Dark Days

I have had a really hard week. Or maybe it's weeks, this one was just extra hard. Today is the 6th. My Dad has been gone for 3 months. It's not uncommon for me to go stretches like that without seeing him. Or talking to him. Except now I won't. Ever. And that keeps hitting my like a powerful wave. Knocking me down. Leaving me a puddle on the floor begging for this all to be a bad dream. I do believe that someday, at the end of our lives we will all be reunited, but in this life I find no comfort in that (for now). I woke up on that day and poof, he was gone. No word, no warning, no goodbye. No answers. No closure. I then find myself angry, like someone stole from me and in a way I guess I was stolen from.

I am writing this post because it helps me and I then think "maybe it's helping someone else", not helping by cheering them up with my wit and awesomeness ;) but by letting someone know they're not alone. I know I can't be alone. That someone felt this way before me and that they're ok, they're thriving, they're joyful more than they are sad. That is what gives me comfort. Knowing that one day I won't feel so lost.

For now I will do my best everyday to be joyful, to shine, to let the waves knock me down when they come. I will pray for the strength to get back up, to move forward and honor my Dad's wonderful, cheeky, silly, beautiful life.

(image sourced from Pinterest)

Body Art with Ink

Last Tuesday I went to meet with Steve at Kamakazi Ink to get a new tattoo. This is my fourth but it is the biggest and the one that holds the most meaning for me. This design was created as a tribute to my Dad. I knew exactly what I wanted and Steve brought it to life. My Dad hunted, my parents house has many mounts a few sets of antlers that are beautiful and that he was proud of. The antlers were a must in my design. The roses are the flower for June, that was his birth month so I knew they would be perfect as the centre. I sent Steve images of what I liked and had in mind, explained that I wanted it to be feminine and beautiful and he worked his magic. 

I love it, it is way bigger than I had imagined but after I saw the stencil on my arm I knew that I wanted it that big. It took just over 2 hours and for the most part the pain was pretty minimal. I only winced a few times. It is healing great... other than the being super itchy part. 

I can't say thank you or recommend Steve enough. 

Saying Goodbye

On November 6 my dear Dad past away from a heart attack. Our lives literally stopped as our hearts broke wide open. I still am unable to fully comprehend what has happened. I ache. I simply can not believe that he is gone. Our lives are left with an emptiness and a sadness I could never have imagined.  

I spoke at his service this past Thursday. Speaking of him, his laugh, his smile, his goofiness, his silly side, his hot temper, his love. He was extraordinary. It was overwhelming and beautiful to see hundreds of people come and pay their respects and share their stories. To see all the lives that my Dad's life touched was truly amazing. To hear other people speak of him so highly was amazing. 

I am so sad and I miss him so much. I find I go numb when I think of the days to come, a future without him, it is just too much to think about. I have had good days, today is not one of them. My nights are long and full of tears. It is really tough to "get back to normal" when life won't ever be the same. To keep on keeping on as I face the grief. My heart aches for my Mom, for my brother, for our children. 

Because I am intelligent and wise I know that this grief will ease and that the stretches between sadness and feeling lost will grow wider. But because I am hurting I don't believe it. I can't see it. 

"There is a crack in everything. That is how the light gets in."

-Leonard Cohen