Monday, 12 January 2015
Let's do coffee...
Let's set the tone for this post, imagine we're in a trendy coffee shop, sitting down in cozy plush chairs with our feet tucked under our bums, there is beautiful, cheerful music is playing in the background, we're relaxed & comfortable, we're happy to see each other. In each of our hands is a big mug, we're holding on with both hands, the heat between our hands makes us sink even deeper into our chairs. We take the first sips of our favourite drink and... Mmmm... they made it perfectly, just like we knew they would. We're happy. You ask the inevitable question... How are you doing? I begin to talk...
I'm ok. I realise this is a loaded word but I am... I am ok. I have some really great days and then some really bad ones. The kind where I barely make it off the couch or eat or notice the world goes on around me. And that is ok. I am coming to terms with the fact that my grief will never go away. It never ends. I will just learn to live with it. I will never be the same, I can't be. A part of me died along with my Dad. I will shape & build a new me. A new me who is kinder, more caring and more compassionate. A new me who is stronger and braver for having faced such loss. For having faced it and continued to put one foot in front of the other. For getting back up when my knees give out and I think I might not be able to catch my breath. I will never be done with this grief, the spaces of pure sadness and desperation will grow wider but they won't go away. I will burst into tears or completely zone out and you'll wonder what is wrong but it will be the grief. You still need to ask, you need to ask with patience & compassion. You need to ask so that I can tell you I feel empty today so that I don't have to carry that all on my own.
Our Christmas was ok. It was hard, really hard but we did it. We put up trees, we went shopping, we wrapped presents. We made a beautiful, delicious dinner and we ate it beside the photo of Dad in "his" chair. I made breakfast without him on Christmas Day and I cried. I tried to remember the year before where we worked along side each other. We took our family photo without him and I held my breath as we set up. We also smiled and laughed and talked about him. We opened gifts, watched more episodes of Border Patrol that I care to admit and played Lego. We did it. We did Christmas and I am so proud of us. Wherever he is I know he looked in and was proud too. I will admit though that I could not wait for the holidays to be over! I felt like a rock was lifted off my shoulders when everything was said and done.
New Years. Wow did New Year's Eve catch me off guard. I was excited for it, we went into St. Albert for dinner at Karen's, tobogganing and then to fireworks. The dinner was delicious, the weather was perfect for being outside & the fireworks were amazing. The first firework went off and I felt like I was hit by a bat. I lost my breath. I was saying goodbye to 2014, the year my Dad past away and I then realize 2015 meant the first year without him. I sobbed. I sat by myself in the snow and watched these beautiful fireworks and I sobbed. We went home after and I cried. Cried so hard. The hardest I have cried since this all began and then I went to bed. I woke up on January first and started thinking about how I was going to move forward, how was I going to shine and how I could help myself.
We're headed to Jasper soon for a little getaway and I am so very excited! I have never been in the winter. Imagine how beautiful it will be!
I have been scrapbooking for myself and it feels soooo good! I have been trying to organise my office so it makes sense and makes being in there fun, exciting and most importantly- makes it inspiring. I have been thinking about teaching at the store and I just don't want to. I can't quite put my finger on it but I don't want to. I have been trying to figure out where I want to go next and if I really don't want to teach.
I have been reading blogs and magazines that have women authors and they talk about creating tribes. Having a tribe: a group of women that gather, share, celebrate, laugh, cry, support, encourage. I thought- YES, and I emailed a group of ladies I spend time with and set forth on creating our own little tribe.
I have been getting up each morning and doing yoga and then setting my intentions for the day. To be joyful, to be kind and patient to myself and to others. To strive for progress over completion and perfection. To shine. It has truly changed my energy and affected my day.
Oh... look at the time. I have to get to playschool and pick up Anna. Thank you so much for listening, for being here and supporting me. It means the world, it truly does. I am grateful.